This is the third tale in the ongoing series, The Canterbury Tales (a modern version). To read the Prologue and the other tales in the series, click here.
In a New York accent. Where “forever” is “forevuh”.
My name is Adrianna, friends call me Ade.
I’m a buy-uh for mid-range at Nordstrom.
I have no int-e-rest in drama,
I voted for Obama,
And found myself at the centuh of a shit storm.
My story is simple and mattuh of fact;
I do sales projections for retail space.
We carried Ivanka’s label —
We marketed that whole fable —
And in the end, we chose to repeal and replace.
As a buyuh, my goal is very clear:
I exploit the latest fad and the trend.
I do my uttuh best
To keep us all well dressed,
And entice the consumuh to spend.
I don’t us-u-al-ly concern myself
With the private life of the designuh.
Means nothin’ to me
If he’s a he but now a she,
Or if e-ver-y item was “handmade” in China.
I’m strictly ’bout movin’ in-ven-tory
I’d sell skorts if they came inta fashion.
It’s all about the dosh,
Made from lookin’ posh,
And, ul-ti-mately, bringin’ all that cash in.
Head office says the story is officially this:
That sales were trendin’ downward over time.
That the merch didn’t move,
That the style had no groove,
That the brand had skedaddled past its prime.
But the real story is decidedly diff-e-rent.
(And remembuh, you didn’t hear it here.)
The entire brand was culled
‘Cuz it reeked of the Don-ald,
And shoppuhs made their hatred crystal clear.
We couldn’t sell a handbag for nothin’,
Not even discounted down to a tennuh.
Her name was her undoin’
For the contract not renewin’,
She’s detested even more than Caitlyn Jennuh.
We couldn’t take that kind of chance,
Bein’ linked to a poisonous name.
We jettisoned the line,
And sales picked up just fine.
Even Marshall’s and T.J.’s did the same.
Then came that ridiculous tweet,
Where Agent Orange called us trash.
I wish he’d shut his gob.
And do his friggin’ job!
Jesus! That family has a thing for cash!
The senior advisuh hocked the label —
Inadvertent endorsement, so she said.
She pushed the skirt and sweatuh,
(Melissa McCarthy did it bettuh.)
That chick is a dead ringuh for Mr. Ed.
I’m movin’ on to future seasons,
Buyin’ coats we’ll show a year from now.
We’ll see great stuff on the page
The color puce will be the rage,
And we’ll put it all behind us somehow.
Good luck with your project, hun,
If you need more, just give Ade a call.
These are not normal times,
And maybe your little rhymes
Will reverse this disgraceful downfall.
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Stay tuned. More fellow traveler tales to come. The Press Secretary, The Woman Who Auditioned For Hamilton, The Forgotten Man, and more.