This is the fourth tale in the ongoing series, The Canterbury Tales (a modern version). To read the Prologue and the other tales in the series, click here.
I am the Jersey girl who made it big
By being craftier and so much quicker.
I grew up really poor,
Set my sights on having more.
And showed promise as a blueberry picker.
Yes! As New Jersey Blueberry Princess,
I showed I was up to the test.
Not afraid of treachery.
Not appalled by lechery.
And I’m not above showing off my chest…
I got to DC as a lawyer and pollster,
And threw in my lot with Senator Cruz.
(I was not a big fan
Of the Tiny Handed Man),
But jumped ship when I clocked we would lose.
I’d had my issues with Orange in the past,
Especially his use of eminent domain.
But when we cuddled in the Tower,
And he promised unchecked power,
I just agreed to take over his campaign.
I always believed we’d prevail in the end,
We’d convince ’em that our love was deep.
I don’t wanna gloat,
But we totally stole the vote.
It’s so easy with 62 million sheep!
Inauguration Day was a chance to shine.
I considered Chanel and then Jill Sander.
But they weren’t patriotic,
I wanted something more erotic.
Then found inspiration in Lin-Manuel Miranda.
I took myself to the designer outlets,
Seeking a frock of anti-sedition.
“The 1776 way,
“With that feline applique!
“And kit me out for my Hamilton audition!”
The crowds went wild for my red, white and blue
At least a million and a half on the Mall!
Twitter was unanimous,
Even Melania was magnanimous :)
I was the Jersey Girl Belle of the Ball.
The nominations came hard and fast
“Find the least qualified” was the dictate.
The list included Mitt,
So I smeared him in shit,
And made sure Exxon got the nod for State.
Now, okay, the Alt Facts thing got crazy
But, ultimately, it’s just about the winnin’.
Yes, I lie for my man,
President Spray Tan,
And say, “Hey, grow up, Kate McKinnon”.
I am the ultimate team player,
(Though people claim the reverse is true.)
I happily violated the rules
Hocking Ivanka’s jewels,
Then got spanked for it, boo hoo.
The Mike Flynn thing was embarrassing,
I believed the chief would give full support.
Flynn pimped for the Turks?
The press are such jerks!
And now it may all end up in court.
Sometimes I get my terrorism wrong,
It’s out of patriotic duty, you see.
Like that stuff with Bowling Green,
Oh, the carnage on that scene
It was an alt fact Muslim massa-cree.
Now, about that Oval Office photo…
The one with me looking comfy as you please.
I wasn’t assuming the position,
To show my patriotism.
I was merely demonstrating flexible knees.
So I imagine you’ll hear lots of bitching:
Like how I’m a witch from a DC coven,
That we’ve hired Russian trolls,
That the WH is full of moles,
And that wiretaps lurk in your toaster oven.
How this turns out I’ve no idea;
I’ll never quit, resign, et cetera.
The hell with Morning Joe,
Bigly loser, as you know
Appearing on TV is not my raison d’etre .
It is true the shows don’t want me on,
Though I try to self-book every Sunday.
I channel a powerful lass
Ann Coulter — now THERE’S class –
And face a new disaster every single Monday.
We’ll have the last laugh, you wait and see.
And make history for all that we dream and dare.
We’ll pollute the rivers shitty,
Shoot the wildlife ’til we’re giddy,
And murder the middle class with Trump Care!
So here’s the final thing you should know:
Our presidency is a well-oiled machine.
No fightin’, no fussin’,
We’re all learning Russian!
It’s the best American screwing ever seen.